Pure Sorrow
by xXguiltyXx
Summary: 'At that moment, everyone in the room felt the same thing. Pure sorrow. They knew what this meant. Matthew was going to die, that was for sure. No matter what route they went with, the chances of Matthew actually living... well they weren't good. In fact they were practically non-exsitant.'


Letting his arm lay lazily beside him, Matthew stared blankly up at the ceiling with a blank expression. His voice was monotone, and held no hint of emotion. His arms lay limp stretched out across his bed. His eyes, once so vibrant, now dull and almost hollow seeming. His face was also void of emotion. His skin was almost as white a fresh snow. Golden, wavy blond hair fanned out around his head. Sighing, Matthew glanced at the clock on the night stand beside his bed.

He woke up at seven am that morning. It was Saturday which meant no school. It was now eleven am. He had listened as his parents wake up his brother, and dragged the boy out of the house. It seemed like they were going on a family outing once again. And once again the forgot the younger twin. As always.

He didn't even know why he was disappointed. It was a daily occurrence. He was forgotten by his parents, his brother and his peers. The only time people seemed to notice him was when they thought he was his brother, Alfred.

It had been this way ever since they were little. Of course Matthew didn't say, or do anything about this, anymore. And he had all but given up hope that someone would just see him. What was the point if no one was ever able to hear or see him?

There really was none, in his opinion.

His parents sure as hell didn't. There was a point in time when his mother would spend time with him. But not anymore. It's been a good five years since she spent time with her youngest son. His father on the other hand, never spent time with Matthew. It was no secret that he favored Alfred. Matthew was there because Alfred refused to leave with out his brother. So they had no choice but to adopt the boy. If they hadn't, Matthew probably would not have left the orphanage.

There parents chose to adopted because there mother could not conceive children of her own. The never hid the fact that to twin were adopted. In fact there parents boasted about it all the time to there friends. They raised the boys (Alfred at least) as there own. So the boys grew up knowing the were adopted but also knowing they were loved. Or again, at least Alfred did. Matthew was more or less pushed to the side for the majority of his life.

Their Mother, a woman named Francine, was born and raised in France, while there father, a man named Oliver, was from Britten. They knew the story behind the twins and how they came to live at the orphanage. They tried to keep the boys hidden from there past and not bring it up as much as possible. But there father had gotten horribly drunk one night and Matthew had been up. The man stormed into the kitchen, where Matthew had been getting a drink of water. Matthew was at least 10 at the time. That was the night Matthew learned about how his parents only wanted Alfred and that his birth parents had never wanted the boys. and left them on the door step of an orphanage where the grew up until they adopted by the William-Jones family.

Matthew glanced back at the clock once again. 11:13. What a perfect waste of a day. It was now that Matthew decided to get up. It wasn't like anyone was going to call him. He didn't have any friends. And his family probably didn't even realize that they, once again, forgot him.

They wouldn't ether. It didn't matter anymore anyways. His journal was full of his feeling, what happened daily, and his views on things. If anybody cared to read it, they would see his downwards spiral into depression and see this out come was bound to happen.

If he did die now, how long would it be until someone found the body? Probably when it started to decompose and stink up the place. Then they would wonder who killed themselves inside their home, and how had they not noticed that there was a dead body in their house. Alfred would possibly think it's him at first, due to the likeness then realize that he was still alive. Matthew chuckled at the thought of Alfred freaking out over the thought that he was dead.

In truth, Matthew was sick. Very sick. Matthew hadn't told anyone about how sick he was. He had gone to the hospital a few weeks ago because he wasn't feeling well. The Doctors had run some tests and in a week the results came back. The reason Matthew had been so sick was because he had cancer. It was at stage three already so there was slim to no hope that he would make it. He just hopped it wouldn't take too long for him to pass on and that it wasn't painful. No he didn't want to die in pain, but with the type he had... that was more then likely out of the question.

Mathew had accepted the fact that he was going to die when he heard the results. He decided against trying to get better. It would only be a waste of money. The cancer was getting progressively worse, and he had yet to still tell his family. Soon it would be at stage four. And there would be no turn around point, and no hope what so ever. It made him a little sad to think about it, but at the same time he found he didn't have to. He would be dead within the year this much was for certain.

A part of him had hoped to tell his family about it today, but that didn't work seeing as how they left the house earlier this morning. Maybe he shouldn't tell his family. That way he could leave them without any heartache? No heartache, and no memories of him suffering... No, that wouldn't be fair to them. They deserved to know. They were his family after all.

He had no idea how to tell his family about the cancer. It wasn't something that came up in a casual conversation And just saying 'Oh by the way, I have cancer, and I'm probably going to die within the year, because I've refused treatment and its a rapidly getting worse.' Isn't the best way to tell some one he had no clue what to say. He would eventually tell them, he guessed just not today. Maybe tomorrow he would tell his brother. He had to tell them, that much was for certain.

It was only a matter of time before he couldn't. The thought got him down, and he couldn't think like that. Not with how little time he had left. He had to think positively less he try ending what time he had left too soon. He had thought of killing himself a number of times. But changed his mind.

He knew what kind of cancer he had. It was an Acute lymphoblastic leukemia, or 'ALL'. Which was a cancer of the blood cells that progressed quickly. It was more common in younger children. The doctors had told him how he had gotten it. It Started in the bone marrow, the soft tissue inside most bones... Bone marrow was where blood cells are made.

A part of him felt it wasn't fair. He didn't want to die so young. He was almost 18! His birthday was in a few months! He was about to finish high school. He had his whole life was in front of him. But the other part was just tired and just accepted his fate with ease. This was the part that had won out.

Matthew sat up. He couldn't think about this anymore. Swinging his legs over the side of the bed, he stood up slowly and walk to wards the kitchen. He was going to make pancakes. Pancakes always had a way of cheering him up. And right now he really needed to be cheered up.

He chose not to put on any cloths. No one was home and he doubted that his family was going to be home any time soon. The only thing he was wearing was a pair of maple leaf boxers. He gathered everything he needed for pancakes when he entered the kitchen. Forcing a smile to his face, he set to work making his favorite food.

When the pancakes were done, Matthew set to work on eating them... But once they were done, he no longer felt like eating them. He just stared blankly at them. He sat at the kitchen table, staring at the untouched food.

Matthew sighed and grabbed the plate in front of him. He wasn't going to eat it, he may as well put it in the fridge for his brother to eat. He noticed that he had been eating less and less, as the days went on and as his cancer got worse.

Of course no one noticed the decline in his eating habits. At home or at school. He was eating less and less. He started not eating two years ago because originally he thought he was fat and ugly, and maybe that was why no one ever spoke to him. So he stopped eating his normal amount Before he found out he had ALL, he was down to about 2/3's of what he use to. And now he was down to half of that.

Two years ago, he could eat a whole batch of pancakes to himself. But now he could barely eat three now-a days. It really made him sad. He loved eating pancakes. It was the one food that he could never get tired of and eat all the time. He moved the plate of now wrapped and uneaten food to the refrigerator. His brother would eat them when he got home. Since the cancer, Matthew had lost a considerable amount of weight. Apart of him missed having weight on his bones. He used to play hockey for a local team. He was the best on said team. He was vicious on the ice. A true monster. But even that came to an end when he started to developed his bad eating habits. He quiet the team a few months later. Since he quit the team had started to do poorly and were losing almost every game.

Maybe the Russian transfer student should join. He looked like he could really pull his own on the ice. Then again, he's so big and intimidating the other teams would probably forfeit the game as soon as they laid eyes on him. Matthew probably wouldn't have. When it came to hockey, he was never one to back down. He would have taken him on in a one on one if he had to. But his hockey playing days were over, so it didn't matter. He had next to no weight on him anymore.

Matthew looked up at the clock in the kitchen. It was now quarter after twelve. Matthew frowned slightly and turned to the calendar beside the fridge. He had a Doctor's appointment on Monday. It was just to see how far the cancer had progressed. His last one was about two months ago. It showed that the cancer had been getting worse and worse.

With out treatment he had no way of surviving. But he had refused. "Life sucks." Matthew mumbled to himself.

'Maybe i should just kill myself' He thought to himself. "Not like any one would notice, and I'm dying already... so what does it matter?" He hadn't realized that he had said that part out loud. As always thought it didn't matter. No one was home. And even if they were no one would have heard him say it. He was invisible and irrelevant to every one around him. His family didn't love him. No, if they did they would remember him. But they didn't. They forgot him. With that thought in mind he went back to his room. He figured he may as well just lay in bed for the rest of the day. Maybe write in his diary a little bit.

He always found comfort in his diary. It was something that made him feel as if he _WAS_ real. It was the only thing he could reach for when he needed comfort. It was the only thing that could really ever hear him. And so that's what he did. He wrote in his diary. He wrote about the progression of the cancer, how he felt alone. About how he wondered how long he had left. When he finished he put his diary away in the back of his closet. He didn't want anyone to find it. No, If some one did, and read it... Well he just hoped that never happened.

He laid back down on his bed in hope of falling back to sleep. That would be nice... right?

The phone, however, had different plans. Going off as soon as it hit the pillow, Matthew cursed his rotten luck. He contemplated whether or not to just let it go to voice mail, but decided against it. Getting up he slowly made his way down the stairs and picked up the phone.

"Hello?" He answered quietly. He was never one to talk real loud. Unlike his brother, who shouted every word he said.

"Ah, yes is the lady of the house home?" a women's voice came over the phone. '_G__reat_ a telemarketer' Matthew thought bitterly. He could have been sleeping!

"I don't have a mother." He answered.

"Oh... umm, well how about the man of the house?"

"No men ether only ma'am, Only the mice." With that Matthew just hung up. He was in no mood for that bullshit right now. The again was anyone ever in the mood for a telemarketer? He sighed and went back up stairs. But not before grabbing the phone. In case it rang again. He would rather have it next to him the have to go back down stairs again. It was kinda a hassle to have to walk up and down the stairs every time if he wanted to answer the phone.

Back in his room, Matthew decided to lay back down and try to sleep once more. As he laid in his bed, his mind once more began to wander. He started to wonder when his family would be home. Maybe if it was early enough, he could tell them about the cancer... Wait no, that required moving and effort. And as of this moment, he really was not up to moving. His bed was too comfortable and sleep was just beginning to beckon him with its call.

Or at least it was trying. And he was more then willing to listen to the sirens call, but a knock at the door was just like wax in the ears. Blocking out the siren of sleep so that he would stay awake. 'Maybe if i ignore them, they'll go away...' Matthew thought to himself. snuggling deeper into his blankets he ignored the knocking, until it stopped.

'Success!' Matthew cheered to himself. 'Now to slee-' Matthew's train of thought was cut off by the ringing of the home phone beside his head. His violet eyes shot open as a groan escaped his mouth. There was no way some one up their was going to let him sleep was there? Apparently not as the phone kept on ringing. Maybe he was being punished for something he didn't do? Like what normally happened when his parents mistook him for his brother, Alfred, only this time, instead of his parents making a mistake, it was someone he couldn't see.

Matthew picked up the phone and looked at the number. It was one he didn't recognize. It could have been a telemarketer again, but he didn't really believe that. No, chances were it was one of Al's friends. Or one of his fathers co-workers, calling him in because they were understaffed yet again, or so-and-so didn't come in because their dog died or some excuse like that. If that was the case, he didn't need to answer. But it would be rude if he didn't. Seeing as he was the only one home, he didn't want to be rude and get in trouble for not answering the phone in case it was important.

'Screw being rude! Go back to sleep!' His mind was screaming at him. Naturally he ignored the voice in his head, and picked up the phone. Pressing the 'talk' button he answered with an ever quiet "Hello?"

To which a loud voice on the other end started shouting something. As to what it was Matthew wasn't to sure. But what he was sure about was the possibility of him now being deaf. It must have been one of Al's friends. Most of his friends were as loud as he was.

"I'm sorry, but Al's not here at the moment." He said, hoping the person on the other side had heard him. Which they might of, because they had stopped talking.

There was a short pause before Matthew spoke again. "Hello? Are you still there?" He asked. He tried to make his voice loud, but as usual it was quiet. For a moment he wondered if the person was still there, because he was receiving no reply. "Okay... Then, well it was nice to talk to you as well, Goodbye." He said as he was about to hang up, started to talk again.

"W-wait! Do you know when he'll be home?" They asked. The voice had a British accent to it. And even over the phone, it sounded as nice as British accents did on T.V. Damn those Brits and there nice accents!

"No, I don't sorry. But I would venture a guess some time around 7, maybe 7:30? He's out with the rest of his family right now."

"O-oh. Wait, then who am I talking to?"

"No one. If that's all I'm going to go back to bed now."

"Why didn't you answer the door?" They asked. Matthew paused "I didn't want to, and i was asleep." Matthew said with a shrug momentarily forgetting that he was on the phone and the person with the British accent couldn't see him.

"Oh... I see. May I ask who are you?"

That damn question. _'W__ho are you?'_ Fuck! Did it ever get on his nerves. All his life he had heard it. He sighed before answering "I already answered to. I'm no one. Call back around 7. He'll be home around then."

"Alright, oh by the way can you tell him Arthur stopped by?"

Matthew rolled his eyes. He really didn't care who it was. "Just stop by or call around 7. Good bye." Once more he hung up the phone, closed his eyes and went back to sleep. He didn't care about being rude right now. He was going to die, being rude was his last priority.

As Matthew tried to drift back off back in to dream land, he found that the sirens that once called him, were no longer beckoning him with there peaceful calls and promises of sleep. It seemed even they had forgotten him now. Stupid British kid, ruining his chance at sleep once more. It almost seemed to Matthew like he could not catch a break. It was one thing after another.

**.oO~Page break~Oo.**

The Day was now coming to an end, it was 9 o'clock, and his parents and brother had come home when he thought they would. Just before 7. And as always they didn't even realize that Matthew wasn't with them. He hadn't bothered to bring it up with them and he wasn't about to. He found no point. Even if he did, they wouldn't remember and it would just happen all over again. So at the dinner table he now sat. Both his parents were in the kitchen doing the supper dishes.

Meanwhile, Alfred was on the phone with the British kid that had called earlier. Like Matthew had suggested he do, He had ended up calling back around 8 o'clock. Seemed that he was a little shy about calling back. But now, that didn't matter as he and Alfred had been on the phone for just over an hour now and showed almost no signs of hanging up. Even going so far as to board himself in his room for the majority of their phone call. Matthew Almost wondered what that was like. To have a friend that you could spend hours upon hours one the phone with. It made him a little jealous of his brother to be able to do that all the time.

'Now is the time,' He thought. 'Now is the perfect time to tell them...'

Matthew opened his mouth to speak, but immediately closed it. He couldn't do it! He just couldn't tell his family about the cancer. About how he was going to die. Tears pricked the edge of his eyes. It had to be done but it was hard. Taking a deep breath, he tried again. "Umm... Guys i have something to tell you." He said. His voice of course was quiet. It barely sounded above a whisper.

His mother turned around to look at who was speaking but shrugged when she didn't see anything. His father gave a questioning look at his wife. "What is it?" He asked.

"I thought i heard something, but i guess not. Must have been my imagination." She answered with a smile.

Matthew felt a tug in his heart. It hurt to hear that. It always did not matter how old he got, or how many times he heard it. It always cut him up inside. But right now was not he time back down. So he tried again. "I have something to tell you guys." This time his voice was louder. He hoped it would be enough to get there attention. And it did. His mother turned around and took notice of her younger son.

"What is it Mattie, Dear?" She asked. Her voice was sweet and loving, It was something that Matthew had always loved about his mother. The kind tones in her voice always made him feel better.

Matthew took another deep breath be for speaking. "Well-"

"GUYS GUESS WHAT?! ARTHUR AGREED TO GO OUT WITH ME!"

Of course Alfred would barge in right as he was about to tell the something. It was what he did. Matthew closed his mouth and just stood up, getting out of his brothers way. His parents where now distracted by his brother and had once again forgotten about him. Matthew rolled his eyes as he turned around and walked away. He was just going to go back to his room.

"That's nice Alfred, dear, but your brother was about to tell us something." Francine said turning back the direction that her younger son had been. She frowned when be had not been there. "I guess it wasn't that important." Oliver said with a shrug. Alfred scowled. If Mattie was going to bring something up with his parents then i was going to be important. Matthew rarely brought anything up with his parents. Its just the way he was. Always silent, always doing things for himself. What could be so important that he wanted to bring it up with their parents?

"I'm going to go see what it was." He said running off to see his brother. He had to find out.

"It's nice that there so close..." Oliver said with a smile. Francine frowned for a second. "Honey, was Matthew with us today? I can't seem to recall..." Her voice trailed off.

"MATTIE!" Alfred yelled slamming the door to his brothers room open, causing the other blond to nearly jump out of his skin. "Dear god Alfred! Do you want to be any louder? I don't think China heard you!" Matthew shouted thought his voice only came out to the normal volume used when speaking.

"You really think China heard me?! AWESOME!"

"What do you want Alfred?" Matthew asked. His brothers loud voice was starting to give him a headache. And that was the last thing he needed.

"I wanted to know what you were going to tell mom and dad." Alfred's voice was strangely calm and quieter then how it normally was.

"Its nothing. Never mind." Was Matthews only reply. He couldn't tell Al. It took almost all he had to try and tell his parents. And even that had failed.

"Its not 'nothing' if you were going to tell mom and dad. I know you better then you think Mattie."

Damn that american bastard for knowing him so well! "Its nothing, Al. Just leave it."

"Tell me."

"No."

"Tell Me..."

"No..."

"MATTHEW! TELL ME!" His brother shouted. Matthew could see that Al wasn't going to let up. He was getting mad, and If he was getting mad then he would try everything in his power to get him to say it. Alfred, when he applied himself, could accomplish anything he wanted to. Matthew sighed and sat down on his bed.

"Al..." Tears started to appear in the corners of his eyes. His brothers determination was one of the things he was going to miss. He was going to miss his brother all together when he was gone. It was a hard thing to think about, let alone talk about. Ever thing he was going threw was mental torture, and Tiring.

"Mattie, what is it? Please tell me. I want to know how to help. I love you brother. So please tell me what has you crying like this?" Alfred's voice was full of worry. His brother was strong. He rarely ever cried in front of anyone, let alone his twin.

"I'm going to miss you. You know that?" Matthew mumbled, leaning forwards to hug his brother.

"Mattie, what are you talking about?"

"Al... I'm going to die." Matthew said, sobbing into his brothers stomach. His ears were seeping in to Alfred's shirt, getting in soaked in the salty water.

"Mattie what are you talking about?"

"I have cancer, Al." Matthew cried harder as he spoke. "A-about a few m-months ago i wasn't f-feeling w-well... So i-i want to the hospital. They did s-some tests and went t-they came back..." Matthew didn't need to finish the sentence for Al to realize the point Matthew was trying to get across.

"H-how bad is it?"

"Stage 3. I have a doctors appointment on Monday to see how much its progressed."

Alfred was silent for an moment. He didn't know how to process this. His brother had cancer. How could that be possible? Was there a cure for it? Why does he have in? Questions ran threw Alfred's head. He didn't know if he could accept the fact that Matthew was going to die. "M-Mattie, you're joking right? Because that's not... That's not funny." It had to be a joke! Of course it did. There was not way it wasn't.

Matthew shook his head, and said the words that made Alfred's stomach drop.

"It's not. I wish I was joking Al. I really do."

A silence grew between the brothers before Al did something that shocked both him and his brother. "MOM! DAD!" He yelled for their parents.

At the sound of Alfred's calling for them, the boy's parents came running into Matthews room to see the smaller blond with his face planted in his brothers stomach. His sobs were louder then any words that could have been said.

The french women left her place at her husbands side to race over to her sons side. "Matthew, Mattie dear, Mon petit? What is wrong? Tell you mother what has you so upset?" She said, Her voice was calm and soothing. She rubbed his back a little to help calm him down further.

Matthew did eventually calm down. He let go of Alfred. He wiped away the few remaining tears that were spilling from his eyes. Alfred's shirts was completely socked now, but he could careless. His brother had needed that cry. He needed the comfort. It still felt gross though.

"I'm sorry..." Matthew mumbled quietly. He wasn't us to all the attention. It was weird. He couldn't say he particularly liked it, but he didn't hate it ether. It made him feel rather indifferent at the moment. It was to bad that it came at such a grim time. He felt once more that it wasn't fair.

His brother smiled at him. Alfred sat down on the other side of his brother. Alfred wrapped his arms around the little blond and pulled him into a tight hug. One, he was sure, that Matthew needed. "It's okay Mattie." He said with a smile that made Matthew feel a little better. "Now, why don't you tell mom and dad what you just told me... Alright?"

Matthew nodded. He took a deep breath before looking up at his parents. Worry and panic clearly written on their faces. "I... Umm... I have something I need to tell you guys..." His voice was quiet, but just loud enough for them to hear. Matthews father walked closer, and was now in front of his younger son. He knelled down so that he could be eye to eye with him. Though the man often forgot about the other boy didn't mean he didn't still love him. In fact the man cared very deeply for his son. Both of them. It worried him to no end to see his son like this.

"A-a few months ago, I was feeling really sick. So i went to the hospital to get my self checked out. It was on one of the days you guys went out on a family outing and had forgotten about me." Matthews mother took a sharp breath. The had forgotten their son at home on a family outing?! If they'd done it once, then they must have done that other times as well. Did that mean they had left Matthew at home alone today? It probably did. How many times did they leave the poor boy on his own? She didn't know but it made her heart sink.

"Well... I told them about how i was feeling and they ran some tests. A few weeks later, the test results came back." Matthew stopped talking. He felt tears once again spring to life on his face. Even though he already told his brother, it was still hard to tell his parents. He didn't think there was anything harder then this. "T-they came b-back... an-and it..." Matthew was choking on his tears. It wasn't fair. No one should have to go threw the pain of telling their parents they had cancer and it was almost to late to do anything about it. No one...

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry! I should have told you guys right away. As soon as i found out i should have told you! I'm so sorry!"

"Mattie, what are you talking about?"

"W-when the test results came back... They came back positive for cancer." He said looking down. He couldn't look his parents in the eye. He looked down at his hands in stead.

His parents were stunned. They didn't know what to say. There son just told them that he had cancer. A feeling of numbness crashed over Francine and Oliver. It was almost unfathomable! Yet, it was right here in front of them. Staring them in the face.

Matthew was apologizing over and over again. He had started crying again. Alfred had wrapped his arms once more around his brother in an attempt to comfort him.

"I-its okay, T-there's treatment for it r-right?" Oliver had asked. Matthew tensed up at the question. He came no reply. He just started crying harder, and apologizing more. Francine felt her stomach twist and not when Matthew gave no reply. Oliver was on the same level as his wife. His heart clenched and his stomach twisted into nots as there was no reply. Hesitantly he took his younger sons hand and got down on his knees. "M-Matthew?"

"I... I refused the treatment. I have Acute lymphoblastic leukemia, or 'ALL'. Its a cancer of the blood... it develops rapidly." Matthew said quietly."I-its at stage 3... So even with treatment, there's slim to no chance of me surviving."

At that moment, everyone in the room felt the same thing. Pure sorrow. They knew what this meant. Matthew was going to die, that was for sure. No matter what route they went with, the chances of Matthew actually living... well they weren't good. In fact they were practically non-exsitant.

* * *

A/N Dear gods, what the hell did i just write... I am both amazed and mortified at my self for this one... =/ But still... this might turn into a multi-chapter thing depending on how i feel. Until i decide, and depending on how many people like it, I'm going to leave it as a one-shot.

A cancer patient CAN refuse treatment if they feel its their time, or sometimes due to religious belief. Its always there choice. As to why Matthew refused treatment... I have no idea. And i honestly don't think i will come up with a good reason. Just sick of living maybe?

Acute lymphoblastic leukemia, or 'ALL' develops quickly. Symptoms of ALL in children and adults include fever, weakness or feeling tired, bruising or bleeding easily, pinpoint spots under the skin from bleeding, bone pain, and loss of appetite... It appears most often in children under 10. How ever adults can develop it. ALL is diagnosed when blood and bone marrow samples show a large number of abnormal lymphocyte blasts. To find out the type of ALL and how well it might respond to treatment, doctors test samples taken from the blood and bone marrow.

Hope you enjoyed it. please review?

I do not own Hetalia.


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